Hi Again, I'm Back!
video hello :
This website, often finds itself in transition - much like my life, rather a direct reflection of it. It’s been difficult to stick to a theme, to understand exactly what it is I want to do with this space, and after the fate of my last publication, I have felt an increasingly overwhelming pressure to ‘do something great’. Or at the least, know exactly what I’m doing this time around. Of course, that’s not the case. And I’ve had to deal with that. I don't know what I'm doing, and I accept that - in fact, I know that's normal.
It’s a type of paralysis though. Perhaps you’re familiar with it, it’s one that stems from a habit of seeking perfection, even though you’ve done this too many times to realize there is no such thing, and as James Victore would say, “.. puck ferpection … done is better than perfect.” And I do have to agree, yet I’ve spent the last two years rummaging for answers between Pinterest, publications I admire, my past, an idea of my future, my doubts and insecurities, my parents, my friends, things I love and I assume I’m good at and everything in between and far past my comprehension of self. Basically, I’ve been feeding myself this narrative, that I have no clue what I want or am doing with my life - but that’s not entirely true, just one that felt comfortable hiding behind, a mechanism of self preservation in the act of procrastination towards something I am deeply, deeply passionate about - story telling, design, and the quality of life.
So, here I am, finally having done enough of the self healing work, of scraping the demons out of the closet, only to find new closets in the closet, like Narnia-up-in-here, to also realize that I’m coming out of the closet entering new closets, because everything is just so meta. Just enough though to say that I now have an inkling of where this website will be headed or at the least my hopes for it, and that’s really all I can give myself or you at this time, and really ever, because the future is pretty uncertain, and that much is certain, right?
I’ve forgiven myself for burning out and having to part ways with Invitation/Annual, and the decision to go separate direction with my partners at the time, Elijah and Evan (love you guys!). I needed it, and though it's a lot of self doubt that had influenced my decisions these past two years here in NYC, I am grateful for the journey. NYC seems to instill a type of tough love on you, the kind that makes you realize how ambitious you are, pat you on the head and push you down the stairs to see what kind of dance will come out of it, and I am where I am today because of that.
I’ve forgiven myself for feeling I’ve accomplished nothing in the two years I’ve lived here in NYC, the time I decided I no longer wanted to be a designer, to realizing how often I obsess over it to then realizing the same with story telling. I’ve been humbled and humbled, and I’ve been forced to admit things about myself that I didn’t even know I needed to admit in order to get over myself, again, at least enough to say,
And yes, I am working really hard to stop telling myself, “I don’t know.” As if that’s the answer to everything, because even if you don’t know, you know. You have an idea, you have an idea and that’s all anyone really knows, and so we have to just trust yourself, run with it, live bravely.
And so as I sat enough friends down to catch up, and spent too much time in my own head, as I am doing right now still, and avoiding contact with new people, and feeling terrible about being so socially awkward, I sat myself down and asked myself,
“Who am I doing this for?”
A little voice answered.
The same voice that often advises me in the shower.
“For you, for your friends, for your community, for their voices, their ideas, their thoughts, their therapy, and equally yours.”
As I pondered it hit me, I’m doing this for the people around me. It doesn’t matter to me if only one person reads my site, if that one person feels value, valued, then/and I want that one person to be my friend.
My friends are brave. My friends are beautiful. My friends are people making brave choices everyday, to be the minority, to take risks, to wake up despite their depression, their doubts, their human instincts, to experience being human … to seek beautiful things, whether that may be an object, a moment, a person, an idea.
So, my friends … Folioh Port, is now headed in some journey. It’s headed in a journey picking back up where Invitation/Annual left off for me, or maybe nothing like it all, but it’s just picking back up, in the most ambitious, ambiguous adventure yet, as I use it to figure out what the hell I’m doing here, and as I hope to open it up to my community to participate in the diversity of narratives - one that is whatever the fuck we want to do with it, in pursuit of the ethos … in hoping we keep each other accountable, alive, accepted …
“For the brave seeking beautiful.”
In conclusion, my hopes for this site, is forever changing, but for now, I want it to be a place of curiosity. Eventually, a place for collaboration, curation, a community expanding into something I can’t even imagine today. As of July 2016, to wherever this may head - many blessings and gratitude : ) - here goes nothing, again!
Kenta Thomas Naoi